This blog posts is LONG overdue. Here is what I wrote at end of 2010:
it's a touchy subject
I'm 23, and My parents got married when I was 2.
If it was not for the fact that I physically look different than my siblings it would be hard to know that I have a different dad than them.
I have been too scared to ask for too long. My mom makes it seem like a subject she doesn't want to talk about.
she's never told me anything about my biological dad.
My adopted dad didn't actually adopt me till I was 18. He said he never really thought about it because he was already my dad.
And even still my mom keeps quiet about the whole subject.
time is approaching for me to ask her. I am terrified. But I want to know! Maybe I want to meet him.
I hate not knowing things. my mom knows that.
my life is complicated, but whose isn't?
And then there is this previously unpublished post from early 2011:
I finally worked up the nerve to ask my mom about the circumstance of my existence. It happened about two weeks ago on February 25, 2011. It mostly went like this:
it's a touchy subject
I'm 23, and My parents got married when I was 2.
If it was not for the fact that I physically look different than my siblings it would be hard to know that I have a different dad than them.
I have been too scared to ask for too long. My mom makes it seem like a subject she doesn't want to talk about.
she's never told me anything about my biological dad.
My adopted dad didn't actually adopt me till I was 18. He said he never really thought about it because he was already my dad.
And even still my mom keeps quiet about the whole subject.
time is approaching for me to ask her. I am terrified. But I want to know! Maybe I want to meet him.
I hate not knowing things. my mom knows that.
my life is complicated, but whose isn't?
And then there is this previously unpublished post from early 2011:
I finally worked up the nerve to ask my mom about the circumstance of my existence. It happened about two weeks ago on February 25, 2011. It mostly went like this:
My boyfriend dropped me off at my parents house in Washington city. My little brother had a slew of friends over so my dad (the only one I've known who adopted me as his own when I was very little) prepared a nice, quiet place for my mom and I to talk. As we sat in the warmed up Bounder RV my heart was pounding. I had been waiting my whole life for this conversation, but I was scared of what I might learn.
My mom told me that when she got pregnant with me she didn't know what to do. she was living in Pennsylvania at the time, no family close by, and she was only 19. Scared and not sure what to do she moved home to Cache Valley Utah where she gave birth to me.
My grandparents were not open to the fact that my mom was a young, unwed mother. They thought that I would ruin her life, so they sent her to Salt Lake City (SLC) to learn a trade, while I stayed in Cache Valley with them. Though my mom desired greatly to be with me she was not given to much voice in the matter and reluctantly stayed in SLC.
During the time my mom was in SLC she met my adopted dad. They became close quick and my mom decided she needed to let him know she had a daughter. My adopted dad reacted very calmly and accepting about it. They continued to date and my mom expressed a want to have me with her, but she didn't know how it would work. Aside from not having a car to come pick me up in, she worked nights at a hotel and there were no day-cares open at night.
Knowing that my mom wanted to be with me, my adopted dad told my mom that if she wanted he would help.
Finally one weekend my mom called up to her parents house and told them she would be coming up to take me for the weekend. Unaware of her true intentions my grandparents let her take me. Once in SLC she told them that she was more than just taking me for the weekend but that she was keeping me for good. Needless to say my grandparents were furious.
Now that I was in my rightful place, with my mom, there was a dilemma. What was my mom to do with me while she had to work? My adopted dad solved that problem too by spending nights at my mom's place with me so she could work.
That a man, who had no obligation to me or my mom, would do all of these things for us both truly means a great deal to me. After I heard about what he had done. I thanked him. In reply he just said, "Well, You were just my girl."
My mom did contact my birth dad after I was born and when I was about 8 months old he came out to see me. After that we had some contact till I was about 6. Then something happened, not sure exactly what happened or who decided it for sure, but basically we stopped having contact with each other.
At this point my mom decided not to talk to me about him anymore and apparently was only going to tell me what I asked to hear. Since I never asked she didn't tell me. At the moment she told me that I felt like that was the lamest reasoning that she could have had. I DO remember asking my mom. Maybe not in a straightforward enough way...but I definitely asked my mom if I was adopted, or if I had different ancestors than she did and I still felt like those were great opportunities for my mom to be open and honest. Why she wasn't is still a bit of a mystery to me. but I have tried not to hold any resentment or animosity for it. She's my mom, I love her and she was telling me now that I had asked...go figure..
After a lot of hours of tears and talking I had most all the answers I was looking for. I also had two phone numbers with two addresses. Being the curious person I am I hopped on the computer to check to see if the numbers were still good. Knowing they were 21 years old I was worried they would be dead ends. Luckily they were both still listed.
Now all I had to do was call them....ya...that sounds so simple...but it was harder than I expected it to be. I stewed for two days before I got up the nerve to call (with a lot of nudging from my boyfriend).
I took a couple shots of liquid courage to calm my nerves then dialed the first number.
it rang,
and rang
and rang...
then the voice machine clicked on...
I hung up the phone then looked to my boyfriend as to what to do next. He told me to call the other number, which we had decided was my biological grandparents house. It only rang twice before an older woman answered with a soft hello.
I paused,
She said hello again...
I said the only thing I could think to say, "Hi, this is Tracee, I am looking for Chuck."
She replied, "Tracee, huh? Well Chuck hasn't lived here for a very long time."
"I know" I said, a little embarrassed, "I am just trying to find him, I am his daughter."
She then told me she would give him my number and he would probably call me. After that she said talk to you later, and hung up...
I was sorta freakin' out by now. I was starring at my phone for a good twenty minutes waiting for it to ring. I waited, and waited eventually it had been an hour....I wasn't sure he was going to call. Chance suggested that I call the first number back, thinking that maybe he had just been on his way back to work and might be home now.
When I called the first number back it only rang twice. And a woman answered the phone. She sounded happy. I said, "hello, this is Tracee-
She cut me off right there and said, "Tracee? Tracee? THE Tracee?"
Shocked by her response I wasn't really excepting anyone to know who I was. The woman on the phone was Chuck's ex-wife. She informed me that she always knew I would call. We talked for about 20 minutes about Chuck and about her experience meeting her biological mother. I let her know my concerns that he wouldn't call or that he may not really want to talk to me. She told me that Chuck would call and that I didn't need to be worried about talking to him. After her reassurance my nerves were calmed a little. But I paced around the house for about an hour or so, finally my phone rang...my heart jumped as I answered.
"Hello?" We both said this small phrase to each other for the first time that I could remember. We started to talk and we talked and talked and cried a little and talked some more. He was nothing like I expected him to be, which is probably good. I assumed so much about him that it was refreshing to hear he was a pretty normal person. He confirmed most of what my mom had told me from his point of view. He didn't know my mom had gotten pregnant when she moved from Philly back to Utah.
We tried to catch each other up on our lives, which proved pretty impossible. We both decided on some great highlights :) and decided that no one would ever keep us from each other again.
That is basically my story, it is a long one but it is mine. No regrets, just Love :)
Shocked by her response I wasn't really excepting anyone to know who I was. The woman on the phone was Chuck's ex-wife. She informed me that she always knew I would call. We talked for about 20 minutes about Chuck and about her experience meeting her biological mother. I let her know my concerns that he wouldn't call or that he may not really want to talk to me. She told me that Chuck would call and that I didn't need to be worried about talking to him. After her reassurance my nerves were calmed a little. But I paced around the house for about an hour or so, finally my phone rang...my heart jumped as I answered.
"Hello?" We both said this small phrase to each other for the first time that I could remember. We started to talk and we talked and talked and cried a little and talked some more. He was nothing like I expected him to be, which is probably good. I assumed so much about him that it was refreshing to hear he was a pretty normal person. He confirmed most of what my mom had told me from his point of view. He didn't know my mom had gotten pregnant when she moved from Philly back to Utah.
We tried to catch each other up on our lives, which proved pretty impossible. We both decided on some great highlights :) and decided that no one would ever keep us from each other again.
That is basically my story, it is a long one but it is mine. No regrets, just Love :)
