my biological dad...

it's a touchy subject
I'm 23, and My parents got married when I was 2.
If it was not for the fact that I physically look different than my siblings it would be hard to know that I have a different dad than them.
I have been too scared to ask for too long. My mom makes it seem like a subject she doesn't want to talk about.
she's never told me anything about my biological dad.
My adopted dad didn't actually adopt me till I was 18. He said he never really thought about it because he was already my dad.
And even still my mom keeps quiet about the whole subject.
time is approaching for me to ask her. I am terrified. But I want to know! Maybe I want to meet him.
I hate not knowing things. my mom knows that.
my life is complicated, but whose isn't?

No place like home

I feel like Dorothy after she met the Wizard of Oz...and realized it was always right there in front of her. And "it" is laying right next to me, in our bed, in our apartment.

He is home to me. I am so comfortable with him. I want to take care of him, and do nice things for him, and make a family with him. I love, and adore him. He takes care of me. He pushes me to be a better me, not a different me. He loves me.

I dream about our colorful life together. I often think of a lazy Sunday afternoons. Chance and I sitting in the grass basking in the sun and laughter of Marley, Keyon, Sophia, Bastian, Zola, & Tutter (and any other children we have in our future). They are all playing in the backyard with the dogs. Chasing them up and down the yard, they giggle and call over to me and Chance to make sure we are watching what they are doing.
I know, cheesy, right? and I don't care!

Feeling the way I do about him is scary to me. What would I do without him? Who would I tell my good news to? Who would let me cry when I may not even have a reason? Who would hold me when it's cold, or bask in the sun with me when it is warm? He is everything to me! He is my boo, my beau, my love, my partner and I love him SO SO much!

There's no place like home....there's NO place like Him...

Katy Perry said it perfectly

"Teenage Dream"

You think I'm pretty

Without any makeup on

You think I'm funny

When I tell the punchline wrong

I know you get me
So I let my walls come down, down
Before you met me
I was alright but things
Were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance, until we die
You and I, will be young forever

[Chorus]
You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance, until we die
You and I, will be young forever

[Chorus]
You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

I'mma get your heart racing
In my skin tights jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

[Chorus]
Yoooouuu You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back
No My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touchNow baby
I believeThis is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

I'mma get your heart racing
In my skin tights jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
(Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he's perfectly him. I am finally me and it all just fits.

Oh You Fancy, huh?

"Fancy"
(feat. T.I. & Swizz Beatz)

[Swizz Beats:]
Go
go 'head
go go go 'head
go go go go go go 'head
go go go go go go 'head
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh

Nails done, hair done, everything done
nails done, hair done, everything done
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
you you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh

Nails done, hair done, everything done
nails done, hair done, everything done
oh you fancy huh

[Drake:]
You getting ready so I know we gon be here awhile
in the bathroom flat irons and nail files
spending hours in salons on your hairstyle
in the mall steady racking up the air miles
hit the gym step on the scales stare at the number
you say you dropping 10 pounds preparing for summer
and you don't do it for the man, men never notice
you just do it for yourself you're the fucking coldest
intelligent too ooh you're my sweetheart
I've always liked my women book and street smart
long as they got a little class like half days
and the confidence to overlook my past ways
time heals all, and heels hurt to walk in
but they go with the clutch that you carry your lip gloss in
and look I really think that nobody does it better
I love the way you put it together

[Chorus:]
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
Nails done, hair done, everything done
nails done, hair done, everything done
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
oh you fancy huh
Nails done, hair done, everything done
nails done, hair done, everything done
oh you fancy huh

[T.I.:]
Well aren't you a breath of fresh air
from all these superficial gold digging bitches in here
they get a baller think that they aint got to pick a career
guess they plan on sucking dicks until some millions appear
Voila! you do it right he might just buy you a car
unless you play these suckers just like B.o.B play the guitar
now here you are with your girls having drinks at the bar
I say I'm buying you declining I think thats kinda bizarre
independant with the demeanor of an RnB singer
naked ring finger (check)
M3 beamer (check)
Champagne range
triple white Caddy
closet full of brand new clothes and hand bags
Alexander McQueen, Prada, Gucci, Chanel
D&G, BCBG, Versace, Louie and BeBe
Ya don't need it greedy or easy as these other breezy's
who fuck for bottles of Riesling or bowls of baked ziti

[Chorus]

[Drake:]
Atlanta girls, let me see your hands
wave em at them bitches hating on you with their friends
girl you got it
let em know that everything big
nail done, hair done, everything did

And my NY girls let me see your hands
wave em at them bitches hating on you with their friends
girl you got it
let em know that everything big
nail done, hair done, everything did

And my LA girls, let me see your hands
wave em at them bitches hating on you with their friends
girl you got it
let em know that everything big
nails done, hair done, everything did

And my TO girls, let me see your hands
wave em at them bitches hating on you with their friends
girl you got it
let em know that everything big
nail done, hair done, nail done, hair done

[Swizz Beats:]
Say go Cinderella
go Cinderella
orgasm blush
lipstick and concealer
devil in a tight dress
girl you a killer and aint nobody realer
and aint nobody realer
go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
showtime
go, go, go, go
as we proceed

[Drake:]
Uh, 5 and a half em boys
ass is off the hook
Cinderella bout to lose the glass off her foot
and when I find it is when I find you
and we can do the things we never got the time to
better late than never
but never late is better
they tell me time is money, well we'll spend it together
I'm down for whatever
you just lead the way
we go to dinner you don't even look at me to pay
mature women with more than me were the first to tempt me
and Jason had this girl Tammy with a purple Bentley
how she got it I aint never get to ask
I just knew that she was fine like a ticket on the dash
yeah, but shout out to the homeowners
the girls that got diplomas
and enough money to loan us a little something extra
should we ever need it
if it sounds like you then let me hear you repeat it

[Chorus]

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent” Victor Hugo

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain." -Bob Marley

"Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul." -Plato

"Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought." -E.Y. Harburg

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. " -Maya Angelou

"Men profess to be lovers of music, but for the most part they give no evidence in their opinions and lives that they have heard it." -Henry David Thoreau

"Music has been my playmate, my lover, and my crying towel." -Buffy Sainte-Marie

"Music is forever; music should grow and mature with you, following you right on up until you die." -Paul Simon

"If you want to make beautiful music, you must play the black and the white notes together." -Richard Nixon

I don't think there is anything to add. love all these quotes. Love music!

I LOVE SUNFLOWERS!

There are sunflowers blooming all over Festival City! I am going to pick a bunch for my apartment today!!!!

Ahh, Peace

I have this neat clock that instead of numbers are little round picture frames. I have been debating for a long time as to what I should put in these little frames. The greatest inspiration I have had for this project has been these images of peace signs. I always want it to be time for peace at my house. good Karma I hope :)

And I'm on my way to believing

I've fallen in love before, and it didn't work out.
I've been in so many unhealthy relationships it makes me weary to date.
I have watched individuals (including myself) be someone else for a person they like so that person will like them back.
I have realized that I have been experiencing relationships all wrong...

Until just recently.
He is real to me. and he doesn't let me be anyone but myself.

He tolerates my quirks and finds many of them attractive.

He takes care of me like no one else has before.

We both love animals and have acquired three pets since we started dating at the beginning of the summer. HA! I love it!

Whenever I am stressed he is like a medicine for me. Just hugs from him can calm my nerves no matter the level of anxiety.

At times it's eerie how similarly we think. He'll say something that I am thinking, and that has never happened to me before in a romantic relationship.

and Have I mentioned the SEX??? I can't believe I haven't mentioned it. Well, it's pretty bomb! The best I've ever had....believe me when I say that means a lot!

We are both talkers and stay up to the wee hours of morning talking. Sometimes it's about serious things but sometimes it's about whatever.

time is lost, forgotten about when we are together. we are perfectly content with each others company.

I am lucky. so very lucky! and i wanted to share.
xoxo
young turk

without too many words

It all hit me
it's been building and growing
It spilled over tonight
Sandbags couldn't stop the flood
my life
A series of events
Like chapters in a novel
Each event, a build up to climactic scene
But what is the resolution?
When can I close the last page, and sigh?
I am a dreamer of the cinematic kind
Vivid and bright is my happiness
Simple, and non-material
and tonight it all hit me
So serene and sweet
Like nothing ever felt
And what can I do?
I just cried...

voice of conscience

I feel honest lately. Not that I am a dishonest person but I've lived a lot of my life doing what would make others happy. Closing off parts of who I am so that I don't offend someone, or disappoint my family. Lately I have been able to be openly myself. nothing to hide,and no reason to.

I am through being the person who lives in a shadow of what she could be. I am a strong woman with strong ideas, and thoughts, and opinions. I have the potential to do anything I choose.

I promise to always be honestly me, and never compromise myself again. I promise to speak up! I will voice my opinions and not worry that others might be offended by them. I promise to talk about my feelings, especially when it's hard! I promise not to allow any person to change who I am at the core of my being because at my core I am beautiful, and strong, and intelligent. I will share my energy with the people around me. I promise to make my own decisions; no one else will make them for me! I promise to take care of myself in body, mind, and soul. I promise to treat others with all the respect that I can give.


These are the things I promise
sincerely,
Me

Defintion: Soulmate

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake...A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in..." -Elizabeth Gilbert

a perfect monent

I know why we can't recreate a perfect moment. It is because we aren't expecting them so when they happen we don't realize what they are until they are practically over. We only catch the tail end of our perfect moments. So how can you recreate something that you have never felt the full experience of?
Just a thought.
Good morning beautiful ;)

If Ichoose to love it will never be your decision

Your Hands Surprise Me
By Lady Lee Andrews

"Your hands at times surprise me
The weight, the pressure,
And the Pulse-
Awhile my body falls into their spell
And hides all mental force.

They guide me through a universe
Of a thousand new desires
And take me to a world where I
Can set them all on fire-
Free the Light
...

Your Hands at times surprise me.
The need, the truth, the pauses!
It's amazing how silently
It arouses certain senses
Caught inside me,
Beside me
Walking
Hand in Hand"

And I laid awake to make sure all was well

I woke up to music in my ears. How did I get so lucky? Just what I needed this morning. With this refreshed feeling throughout my body, I will go the whole day smiling.

By the way, I say too much. It's making me feel vulnerable, like a hermit crab without it's shell. But I trust too much to keep my mouth shut...

Is it dramatic that when I am happy enough I cry? I basically have no control over the matter either! Tears just fill my eyelids...

I think I'm finally ready to get myself into an apartment. I need someplace to call mine besides my car...

I'm feeling...that's it. I'm feeling. There is no one emotion that I can attach to it. There aren't even a hundred emotions to describe it. And I feel it most between my shoulder blades.

Feel Free

Who am I writing this blog for? Mostly me, I think. Someplace for my thoughts to be other than in my head i guess...I also write to put my thoughts out there to the universe. Who knows what it will do? I just know that it is an outlet that I enjoy.


I struggle to organize my thoughts often, so today I'm not gonna try...

I wonder if music speaks to other people the way it does to me.

I really LOVE to dance! Really, really. I'm serious!

When will my mom say, "I love you" again on the phone :(

Am I ready to live in my own apartment and take care of my own shit...

I want to buy some new shoes. some sexy black high heels...ha

Does anyone else daydream as vividly as I do? I hope so because daydreaming is just great

I say too much sometimes...well, at least lately I have been. It's refreshing and scary 'cause it leaves me open, wide open, vulnerably open...

My job makes me happy, no matter how poor it keeps me!

I've had nights lately that I can't get outta my head...I think about them all day :D

There's this quote. and it feels so true to me:
"Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them." ~Brendan Francis

I need to get better at folding clothes and putting them away. My room looks like the aftermath of a great battle of clothes.

I love to paint my nails. It is like art to me.

Feel free to say what you want about me. Go on, I'm not afraid

Pursuit of Happiness

This song is playing over and over again in my head :D
If you haven't heard it. Look it UP!
I put my favorite lyrics (and the ones that keep repeating in my head) in bold


Pursuit of Happiness
Kid Cudi


Verse 1:

Crush A Bit; Little Bit; Roll It Up; Take A Hit
Feelin’ Lit Feelin’ Like 2 Am Summer Night

I Don’t Care; Hand On The Wheel; Drivin Drunk; I’m Doin’ My Thing
Rollin The Midwest Side And Out Livin’ My Life Getting’ Out Dreams
People Told Me Slow My Road I’m Screaming Out Fuck Thaat
Imma Do Just What I Want Lookin’ Ahead No Turnin’ Back
If I Fall If I Die Know I Lived It To The Fullest
If I Fall If I Die Know I Lived And Missed Some Bullets

[Chorus]

I’m On The Pursuit Of Happiness And I Know Everything That Shines Ain’t Always Gonna Be Gold
I’ll Be Fine Once I Get It; I’ll Be Good

Verse 2:

Tell Me What You Know About Dreamin’ Dreamin’
You Don’t Really Know About Nothin’ Nothin’
Tell Me What You Know About Them Night Terrors Every Night
5 Am Cold Sweats Wakin’ Up To The Skies
Tell Me What You Know About Dreams; Dreams
Tell Me What You Know About Night Terrors; Nothin’
You Don’t Really Care About The Trials Of Tomorrow
Rather Lay Awake In A Path Full Of Sorrow

[Chorus]

I’m On The Pursuit Of Happiness and I Know Everything That Shines Ain’t Always Gonna Be Gold
I’ll Be Fine Once I Get It; I’ll Be Good

[Chorus]

I’m On The Pursuit Of Happiness. I Know Everything That Shines Ain’t Always Gold
I’ll Be Fine Once I Get It; I’ll Be Good

[Chorus]

I’m On The Pursuit Of Happiness And I Know Everything That Shines Ain’t Always Gonna Be Gold; Hey
I’ll Be Fine Once I Get It; Yeah; I’ll Be Good

I’m On The Pursuit Of Happiness
And I Know Everything That Shines Ain’t Always Gonna Be Gold; Hey
I’ll Be Fine Once I Get It; Yeah
I’ll Be Good

Pursuit Of Happiness; Yeah
I Don’t Get It; I’ll Be Good

I am not JUST anything

I am so much more than just. Not by my hair, eyes, or skin am I defined. Nor by the sports I've played or music I dance to. Neither do religion, political affiliation, or organization i join will be my one defining attribute. each only adds to the individual that I am.
I love being busy but hate routine. I enjoy the attention I want but dislike the attention I don't ask for. I will say anything I feel like and nothing that I don't. I am not comfortable talking about my emotions. Sex is my weakness; not intercourse itself but that lusty sexual tension right before contact. I rarely finish what I start, but I work hard at what I'm doing. I have passion for people, and fashion, and music. I don't believe that any person is more important than another. Sometimes I wish I were a gypsy, or a vagabond, or a model. I teeter on the edge constantly.

Something between a metaphor and an innuendo

The discussion of music came up while talking with a good friend of mine. We were discussing the word choices used by rappers like Lil' Wayne and Eminem. That these word artists can put lyrics together in such a way that the meanings are suggestive of so many things yet may not make sense at all is marvelous to me.
I guess that is the beauty of creative language and art. To hear, or read words that are so simplistic at first and then to apprehend a different meaning from them can feel so good. The words can give explanation for a feeling that was previously indescribable or paint a picture of a past experience more vividly than could ever be conveyed otherwise. My favorite though is when words (lyrics to music specifically) enhance a moment in time. That at THAT specific moment THOSE words echo in my mind and ring through my body.
Anyway, as we were talking we were trying to think of what part of language they use when they are writing their lyrics. We know that they use metaphors, and that they are also used as innuendos. The problem was that we were so sure that there was another way to describe it all. So I looked up some words and their definitions that I thought were explanatory of the way in which they write.

Metaphor:
-a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance

Innuendo:
-an indirect, or subtle, intimation (verb which means to indicate or make known indirectly; hint; imply; suggest not to be confused with the adjective intimate meaning of an association, knowledge, understanding, etc. arising from close personal connection or familiar experience.) about a person or thing, esp. of a disparaging or a derogatory nature.

Insinuate:
-to instill or infuse subtly or artfully, as into the mind

Allegory:
-indirect representation
-symbolic narrative, figurative treatment of one subject under the guise of another
- to speak so as to imply something other

Figuration:
-the act of representing figuratively

Paralleling:
-having the same direction, course, nature, or tendency; corresponding; similar; analogous

Metonymy:
-A figure of speech in which one word or phrase is substituted for another with which it is closely associated , or of which it is a part, as “the bottle” for “strong drink,” or “count heads(or noses)” for “count people.”
very similar to synecdoche which is a figure of speech in which a part is use for the whole(as hand for sailor),the whole for a part(as the law for police officer), the specific for the general(as cutthroat for assassin),the general for the specific (as thief for pickpocket),or the material for the thing made from it(as steel for sword).

The definition for this word is the broad canopy for many of the other words I looked up.
Trope:
-any literary or rhetorical device, as metaphor, metonymy, synecdoche, and irony, that consists in the use of words in other than their literal sense.